Δαφνη Ευτυχια Αρθουρος

"The Onion's journalists have garnered a sterling repu- tation for accurately forecasting future events. One such coup was The Onion's scoop revealing that a for- mer president kept nuclear secrets strewn around his beach home's basement three years before it even hap- pened.

"The Onion files this brief to protect its continued ability to create fiction that may ultimately merge into reality. As the globe's premier parodists, The Onion's writers also have a self-serving interest in preventing political authorities from imprisoning humorists. This brief is submitted in the interest of at least mitigating their future punishment."

-- Brief of The Onion as Amicus Curiae in Support of Petitioner On Petition For A Writ Of Certiorari To The United States Court Of Appeals For The Sixth Circuit, Stephen J. van Stempvoort (Counsel of Record), October 2022

This is not the best part. I didn't want to spoil it. It's only 18 pages once you get through the table of contents and table of authorities.

[To everyone celebrating Yom Kippur tonight/tomorrow, may you have an easy fast if you're fasting, a moving and meaningful holy day whether you can fast or not, and g'mar chatima tova!]